"I crave inerita every move made so I can stop..."

It feels like I´ve been out here an awfully long time. It´s only been three months, but it just feels longer than that. A lot longer. But I'm coming home now, and happy about that. While you are all tucking into your beds, I will be getting up and getting on an early flight, making my way across the ocean, the continent and into the rainy night of Portland.

I hope it´s been a good trip. I´m still too in it to know. These types of experiences can sometimes only truly be realized later; when we´ve had a chance to live outside of them for awhile and see life, react to it in a different way than we may have before.

We change all the time of course, from year to year. I would´ve been a different person at the end of this year whether I made this journey or not. But I can tell you that this particular time has been beautiful because this trip has challenged me in a way I haven't previously been challenged.

It was the solitude, or rather, the being away from my comforts, my family, my routines, that got me to dig a little deeper and understand what comfort truly means...and how little it depends on anything really tangible. And that my previous understanding of self-reliance has been shattered and has come to mean relying less on my own wit and experience, and more on Faith - and yes, with a capital "F." A concept I thought I had understood long ago...I learned in these last couple of months that I understood nothing about faith. And while I won't claim to have "gotten it" out here, I can say that I've gotten a little closer.



Another thing that has happened, and it's surprised me, is that I feel I have aged considerably in these 90 days. My body feels wracked up, I am creaking and loping, and have even taken to a little hobbling from time to time. This is inexplicably new to me. I've always taken not a little bit of pride in that fact that even though I'm small, I'm pretty strong. But it seems all of the combined miles of these last months have taken a toll, and I need some serious downtime I think to heal.

This doesn't mean completely slugging out in front of the TV with the Xena Box Set (though you can place even money that many episodes will be viewed in the next weeks). A massage, a long one, is certainly in order (and I just learned from gwen that she has scheduled one for me for Thursday evening...one of the many reasons why I love her.) And then I'll head back to the gym and talk to Regina about how to best repair these bones and muscles, and keep the strength I know is buried in there somewhere.



But I think too, as I look at some of the pictures of myself...that I´ve aged in another way as well. It feels, that I've lost something...pieces of myself that have dropped off along the way. Old armor perhaps. Maybe it's been replaced by a new, more malleable version, I don't know. But in looking at some of these photos, I am struck by not knowing completely who that person is. I don't dislike it, neccesarily, she's just a little different, and I think I'll need to spend a little time getting used to the new skin.

And in saying that, the first thing that comes to mind is that I can't wait to start spending time with other people. 3 months with yourself is PLENTY.

I'm looking forward to catching up with my entire Portland crew, and heading south to see all my family from Southern Oregon to San Francisco (with, of course a diversion to Seattle - don't worry Rebecca!).

And I have loads of stories I want to work on. There are people out there doing far more productive things than myself, and I want to focus on them for the next several months.

So we close out this chapter, with joy, thanks and glee for having finished unscathed in all the ways that matter. And simple gratitude for being able to have the experience in the first place. I know it hasn´t been a unique undertaking, but it´s not the sort of thing we get to do everyday, and I recognize and appreciate that.

Thank you all so much for continuing to follow along. Writing this is incredibly grounding for me and I would do it whether anyone was reading or not.

But it makes it a lot more fun knowing you're here with me.





* above quote from the song "Leeds" by Emily Saliers/Indigo Girls