After visiting with my Zen friend.....

One of my favorite things about visiting Great Vow, other than seeing Ryushin of course (see below), is to take a little time to visit the walking paths behind the monestery and say hello to the little Jizos who inhabit the forest.
Great Vow practices with Jizo Bodhisattva, a guardian of women, infants, children and travelers. He represents the energy of compassion for these people as well as those who are on spiritual and physical journeys (in Japan, Jizo figures are placed at crossroads).

Jizo carries a pilgrim's staff with six rings attached. These rings jingle to send warning to animals that may cross the path, so as to warn them and prevent mutual harm. Jizo also carries the "Dharma jewel of light which banishes all fear."
At the monestery, those in practice make little ceramic Jizos. I was able to purchase a very sweet one to take with me. Ryushin then gifted me with a beautiful metal crest small enough to fit wonderfully in my hand, but could also be attached to a staff. The crest had the six rings, which make a beautifully soft, jingly sound. It's such a thoughtful gift, and I will cherish it along the way.

I find these figures so endearing. It feels magical and whole here.
(p.s. if you click on the images, you can see an enlarged picture and really see how sweet they are)

It's always the simple things.....

I took a trip out to Clatskanie today to visit my dear friend Ryushin. He is a Zen Buddhist who took his priest's vows and is living at the Great Vow Monastery.
Ryushin and I arrived at Sisters at about the same time in 2003. He worked with us for about a year as a cook before devoting himself to his studies. I don't see him very often, so it's always a treat when I get to spend time with him.
After the Sunday meditation and talk program we got to sit for an hour or so and catch up. His presence is so calming...which I suppose is one of the benefits of having a practicing Buddhist as a close friend.
We talked a lot about transition and the expectations that arise both inwardly and from others. The earlier meditation and the talk had left me open and tender..I found myself giving in to tears and getting just to sit with that during the morning program. Fear of course. Loss. Sadness. Gratitude. The soup.
Upon greeting me this morning, Ryushin asked if I was excited about my journey.
I hesitated.
"Scared?"
"Yes," I said. I told him I had been planning visits soon to friends and family, getting ready to say goodbye.
"Well, yes," he said, "you won't be the same person when you get back."
And that's it in a nutshell. What will that mean?
Many people ask me if I'm coming back to Portland. I honestly don't know. That's the intention...all my stuff will be here. But who knows what will be revealed out there?
When I went to Nepal in 1995 I had every intention of returning to the Bay Area but instead wound up moving to Humboldt with a whole new life path.
I hope to stay open to the innumerable possibilities and listen to what feels like the next right thing. And that can be scary - there is so much here that is good and comforting - it's become such a safe home for me. The safest yet. So I'm split with the discomfort of leaving such a protected hearth, and the excitement of discovering what else there is to explore.
I told Ryushin that recently, in voicing these fears to a friend, she said, "well, you can always just stay here." Which has honestly never felt like an option. I told Ryushin that I feel pulled, almost directed into this.
He smiled and said, "Yes, there is a lesson waiting for you..you can decide not to take it now, but it will continue to follow you."
Friggin' monks.

Quote of the Day

"Hey! You can't be sitting in here reading a magazine and
eating left-handed."

-- Gwen Ivory

at New Seasons where I was enjoying a chicken wok and a Harper's.

pah rum pum pum pum

I believe the first music came from the drum.
Even before we were born, we thrummed along, growing to the beat of our mother's heart; our own little beater keeping time in syncopation to hers.
I've always loved drumming, I've never given myself completely over to it, but the desire has been there with me since I was a little kid.
When I was in the 4th or 5th grade I wanted to get into band, and I wanted to play the drums -- "no dice," said Dad (who can blame him really), and I ended up with the clarinet. Dawn Smith, who lived down the street and who was the older sister of my best friend Anne, had a drum set and I got to play that from time to time..but it was never really the same. I always loved that Brady Bunch episode where Bobby got the drum set and drove everyone crazy with it. My Dad probably saw that episode and wasn't going to have any of that nonsense in his house.
At some point I picked up a pair of drumsticks and would hang out in my room, air-playing along to the radio and learned how to move my right and left hands in time to the high-hat and the snare. But just my hands..I never got the whole kick pedal thing down (still don't!)
In high school, my friend Heidi Stromburg (who I just heard from actually) also played the drums, and I remember trying to play on hers, but by that time I had acquired too much shyness to play in front of people.
Just a few years ago, after about a year of working at Sisters, I decided enough was enough and I bought myself a drum set. A very cool electronic kit that had the look and sound of a regular set, but could be played with headphones and wouldn't drive my apartment neighbors crazy. I loved it. I hooked it up to my CD player and practiced playing along with Spearhead and Nirvana and the Indigo Girls..pure heaven!
And then.. I completely got over myself and this past summer signed up for the Rock and Roll Camp for Women and got to play for the first time, in a band, on a stage and in front of people! It was one of the best experiences of my life -- if you have ever had any desire to rock out, but don't think you could actually do it -- scare the shit out of yourself and prove that negative little self-doubter wrong, wrong, wrong...and go to camp. There were people there that had never picked up an instrument in their lives and after 3 days were onstage at a rock club, playing an original song. Incredible experience. My little band was The Funk-Ups....we were super groovy.
Anyway.....this blog is so not what I was going to talk about tonight. It's a really long lead-in to tell you the story of how I got to play taiko drums for the first time yesterday.
I was cruising around online and there was a woman who was looking for a motorcycle mechanic for her '74 Honda CB 550. I'm not a mechanic but I was like, "hey - I've got a '74 Honda 550!" So I wrote her and told her so and gave her the name of my mechanic. She wrote back and I noticed her email address had the word "taiko" in it. So I said, "hey, do you play taiko drums?" And she said, "yes..wanna play?"
So I went over to her mom's house (a very sweet woman named Bev who wore a pink Christmas sweater and asked us if we would like any dinner) where the drums are currently stored and she taught me some rhythms and we jammed out for about an hour. They are beautiful instruments. When you hit them, the whole room vibrates up and into your body -- you get into this sort of trance while keeping time - it was like yoga in that whole body experience way. Very cool.
I think one of the things I like about getting older..and certainly being in recovery...is that we find we have the means and the ability to push our own boundaries, step into our fears and do things we never thought we could do. Sometimes they're simple things like buying a drum set..sometimes they're a little more risky, like leaving a safe job for something we really want to do. And sometimes we just get to do things that we've always wanted to do but told ourselves we were too stupid, slow, not-good-enough, blah-di-dee-blah-blah.
Fuck that...march on little chicklets!

Regina Brooks - Ass Kicker Extrordinaire

This picture cracks me up -- I look scared! And for good reason..
So, this is the woman I've told many of you about. This is Regina, the woman who has been beating my flabby self into shape since mid-October and who continues to do so twice a week.
I love her.
She has been an amazing motivator for me, an incredible trainer. Most times when I tell people for the first time that I've got a personal trainer they are a tad surprised -- I guess 'cause the whole personal trainer/gym thing doesn't quite gel with most folk's image of me; but I'll tell you what, this little trek I'm about to undertake is going to be quite physically demanding and when it comes right down to it, I'm a pretty practical person. Stubborn, but practical.
A lot of you have asked how I'm training for my walk and Regina has been the prime source for getting me into shape. We work out (well, I do all the sweating, she barks orders and stares me down when I say I can't do "just five more") for 30 minutes twice a week. We do mostly resistance training, using my own body instead of weights. Lots of lunges, horrible crunches, pull-ups, push-ups, friggin' crazy ab-work. She strapped me into a vest one day that was attached to a bungie cord, which she then held on to and had me run up and down this long-ass hallway, feeling like I was dragging a freight train behind me. She nearly killed me that day.
She laughed and laughed.
I do a lot of swearing during these sessions. I used to be a little tamer about my protesting. I'm not tame at all anymore. She showed me some moves she wanted me to do today and I just said, "You suck." And she said, "Yeah, I suck..let's go."
And I go, 'cause she knows what the fuck she's doing and I can tell because I have definitely gotten stronger over the last several weeks, dropped weight and inches and feel pretty darn good overall although I have been sore pretty much everyday for the past two and a half months. In between seeing Regina I work out in the gym, doing cardio and the excercises she's taught me. I also spend several days a week walking around the city for miles at a time. At this writing I can do 15 miles at a stretch.
I learned something about Regina recently which made me hold her in even higher esteem than I already did. See that cut body of hers? Wasn't always that way. About 14 years ago she was 75 pounds overweight. She showed me the picture and I was like, "no way!" It took her about eight months of solid work to get the weight off and she's been able to keep it off and just get stronger. She's something man, if any of you guys are looking to work with someone -- let me know, I'll hook you up. She's awesome and funny and I have yet to hurt myself during any of these sessions - she'll totally push me past what I think I can do without going overboard.
Laughing at me all the way...

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

It was a glorious morning up on the mountain for baby jesus' b-day. Monica, Debbie, Kaia and myself cruised up to Enid Lake for a little cross-country skiing. Well, Monica mostly skied, Debbie did pretty well, Kaia walked beside us with her sweet dog Basket and I kind of shuffled along, bringing up the rear.

I am not very coordinated, which..as self-deprecating as I am, I'm actually a little loathe to admit. Even though I don't hold myself in the most pristine of esteem..there are a few things I think I do okay, and athleticism is one of them. Despite all the years of smoking and tipping the bottle (one vice shelved anyway) I think I can still do okay out there in the sporting world. I'm finding though, that balance-wise activities are just not my scene. Don't know if that's age or part of the price of pickling myself, but there you have it.

Anyway, loved being out in the snow -- it was stunningly beautiful up there and we all had a lovely time.

Later that day I went to Gwen's where we watched a little XWP, she made (once again) a fabulous meal (she's an amazing cook) and then took in one of the darkest movies of the year, "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead." It made Goodfellas look like a romp I'll tell ya.

All in all a lovely holiday -- a few more days and we can all settle the hell down, huh? Hope you're day was peaceful and full of love.

one of these things is not like the other.....

Circa 1978.

There's really nothing else to say about this.

I'll let you go ahead and draw your own conclusions.

Write your own punchline.

Whatever.

Consider it a little something for your xmas stocking.